can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
