With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
