I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it's like iHOP with fire
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
