ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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