After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
