dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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