Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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