u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
