I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
