Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
