you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
