My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
