Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
