Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
