I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's never too late to be topless.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
