I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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