I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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