Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
