Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you told grandpa to call you daddy
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
