I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
