I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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