I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
