its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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