She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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