It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
