my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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