I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
