dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
