She told me I should be a condom model.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
