Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize