I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
