So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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