I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
