I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
