About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
