Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
