Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Drunk is a universal language darling
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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