I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
