why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize