i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
