Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
