Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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