Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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