Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
All the doctor said was why
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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