Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
