They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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