I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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