Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
