Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
