What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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