Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize