On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
