Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
