God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
