I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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