I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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