We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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