i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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