I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
