Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
