grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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