wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
is wine microwaveable?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
