this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
