it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
