If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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